By Laura-Elena Truong, MT-BC, MSW
Holiday songs. Festively decorated storefronts. Cheerful exchanges of “Happy Holidays.” For many people, Thanksgiving to New Year’s is the “most wonderful time of the year” with family, friends and community. However, others dread annual holidays, particularly the “firsts”. The first Thanksgiving without Mom. The first Chanukah without Dad. The first Christmas since our child’s death. The first Kwanzaa without Grandpa. The first anniversary without my husband. The first Mother’s Day since my miscarriage. The first Veteran’s Day since my brother was killed in active duty. The first birthday since our sister was murdered. You get the picture. At some point in our work as music therapists, we will have the opportunity and privilege to accompany our clients on some part of their grief journey. Whether it is their first holiday absent from their loved one or a painful resurgence of grief stemming from 60 years ago, the holidays conjure various emotions and memories. This, in turn, requires special skills from the music therapist. How do we accomplish this? The list of effective treatment approaches and evidence-based modalities remains exhaustive; however, the following key points are essential for “coping with the holidays.”
• First and foremost, we must always “meet the client where they are emotionally.” Validate, validate, validate! Everyone grieves differently. Even twins. Honor their feelings and pain. Oftentimes, family and friends with “good intentions” inadvertently minimize the survivor’s feelings. I once worked with an elderly client who thanked me for playing her favorite music (Cole Porter) and “most importantly, listening to me talk about how hard my life has been. My daughter won’t let me talk about anything ‘sad’ – not my illness, not about her father, who was killed in the war when she was just a baby. It felt so good to tell you about my husband. “You’re the Top” brought back all the memories of my husband. This has been such a good release for me. I’ve never talked about it until now.”
• Encourage our clients to spend the upcoming holiday/anniversary/birthday in a way that honors their current feelings. People often feel pressured by family members (or themselves) to continue holiday traditions after the death of a loved one. There are many options for the survivor – skip the holiday, modify the holiday, continue the holiday tradition as years prior…nothing is set in stone. Family members may not agree with the survivor’s choice, but the survivor needs to honor their feelings and “where they are at emotionally.”
• Finally, as music therapists, “know thyself”. Perhaps you are the survivor who has experienced the death or tragedy of a loved one. While we provide support to those in need, we are humans who also hurt at some point in our own lives. Setting appropriate boundaries in work and personal life, seeking our own bereavement counseling, taking care of ourselves holistically, and surrounding ourselves around positive people and energy is essential. For instance, I knew of a music therapist whose husband had been killed in a car accident. While she initially took some time off from work, she found it excruciating to sing all the “love songs” that her senior patients requested every week. While she could not bear to sing another “Let Me Call You Sweetheart”, this and other love songs were what her patients wanted to hear. Her therapist suggested that she give herself permission to recognize both her clients’ needs and her own grief reactions to the songs. When she felt a grief reaction during a music therapy session, she reminded herself that after the session, she would take some private time to recognize and nurture her own grief. The music therapist implemented this technique a few times and found it very helpful. As a result, she was able to meet the needs of her patients and facilitate a professional music therapy session while still honoring her own grieving feelings. Healing, Happiness and Wisdom to all of us through every holiday of our lives….