By Elisa Aven M.M., MT-BC
Grief is a complicated and painful emotion. It is universal in that we as humans will inevitably all experience some type of loss in our lives, however, the grief experience is unique to each individual. Throughout my work as a music therapist in the hospice setting, I have had to learn how to express my condolences to grieving families in ways that are helpful and appropriate, which can prove to be an extremely difficult task for any human. I hope that reading this post will give you some ideas about what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.
– “I am very sorry for your loss”: This is a very simple and heartfelt expression and will always be welcomed.
– “Please know that I am here for you”
– “You’re in my thoughts and/or prayers”: Even if you are not a religious person, stating that someone is in your thoughts is very sincere.
– “Remember you can call me anytime”: If the person grieving is a close friend or family member, this is definitely good to say. As a therapist however, this may not be appropriate.
– State a wonderful memory that you have of the person who has passed. Don’t worry that you will make the bereaved person think about their loved one; they were probably already doing so.
– “I don’t know what to say”: This is a very honest and genuine statement. Admitting that you are tongue-tied about offering your condolences is better than saying something that could possibly upset the person further.
-“I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through”: This brings up a very important issue. Many people tend to want to share their own personal stories of loss to the grieving person in order to compare and express that they understand. But the truth is, no one can possibly understand because each grief response is unique and each person is unique. The person grieving will most likely not appreciate the comparison.
– “Would you like to talk about it? I’m listening”: This is an open and welcoming invitation for the person to express how they are feeling. If they do not wish to talk about it, do not pressure them into it.
Things You Probably Should Not Say
– “Please stop crying” : Crying is a natural, normal, and healthy reaction to losing a loved one. Telling the person to stop crying can be insensitive and hurtful.
– “You should let your emotions out. It’s okay to cry!”: But it is also normal NOT to cry. Just because the person isn’t expressing their emotions on the outside does not mean they aren’t grieving. They are just dealing with it in a different way, which is perfectly normal.
– “At least they aren’t suffering anymore”: This is not a helpful statement. Of course the person who has passed is no longer suffering, but now their entire family and circle of friends are.
– “God never gives us anything more than we can handle”(or other statements about God’s will): Nobody on Earth knows God’s purpose. Also people who do not believe in God will not appreciate the attachment of religion on to their grief. Following a loss, it is normal for a religious person to question their faith and wonder about the existence and/or nature of God. Reminding them of their faith or God’s plan can be hurtful and may do harm than the good that you intend.
– “I know how you feel”: This statement is bad news. No one knows how the person feels. Even if you have experienced a similar loss, you are not the bereaved person and you did not have same relationship with the person who has passed.
– “At least he/she lived a long life”: What constitutes a long life? Any loss is painful regardless of the age of the person who has passed.
– “It’s been ____ (months, years, etc), it’s time to move on”: People will never stop grieving the loss of a loved one. Attaching a deadline or an appropriate amount of time to grieve will not help the person heal. In time, the person will find some peace, but the grief and the hole made by the person who has passed will remain with us always.